This is for all the non-mothers out there. Whether due to circumstance, infertility or in my case multiple miscarriages, this one’s for all my barren sisters that are still struggling to come to terms with being childless.
My entire life I assumed that one day I’d be a Mum. That I’d grow a little person, read them bed time stories and have to deal with teenage tantrums.
During my 30’s I actually managed to get pregnant 5 times (hoorah!) but each embryo died before it made it to 8 weeks. Every time it happened, I thought I might explode from the pain and grief that followed.
The first time was the worst, and I guess looking back it’s safe to say I had a breakdown of sorts. My partner at the time couldn’t work out what was wrong with me and one day he actually asked me how I could be so sad about losing someone that had never even existed.
There isn’t a rational answer to that I guess. Losing a pregnancy is more than the grief of losing someone you love, or the tsunami of accompanying hormones, it’s the grief of losing a future as a parent and all the social and familial implications that involves.
I already knew what I would call my child, that I would homeschool him or her, that I would immerse myself in the creative side of parenting and take great pleasure and pride in continuing my family’s traditions and ultimately, genes.
When you’re trying (unsuccessfully) for a baby, it’s a stab in the gut each time a friend announces their happy news online or shares their scan pictures with you at work. To this day there are friends on Facebook whose accounts are still hidden on my feed as it hurt so much seeing their jolly news all those years ago.
Bonding with women that were going through the same as me was helpful, until of course they became pregnant. Suddenly, a gigantic chasm opened up between us that left them feeling uncomfortable around me and left me feeling nauseous every time they complained about morning sickness or acid reflux.
Even my work became difficult. At the time I was an acupuncturist, and I treated a lot of women that were either trying to conceive naturally, or were going through IVF. The amount of pregnancies I’ve played a teeny part in helping along the way is ironic. The results of the treatments were statistically way beyond luck and of course each positive outcome resulted in referrals for other couples. It became a booming part of my business, but in the same breath, each positive pregnancy and baby photo I got sent was just another cruel twist of the infertility knife.
Mothers Day
For women that desperately want children, this is by far the most difficult day of the year.
Wherever you look, people are celebrating what you so desperately want and it’s really hard to stomach. So as a woman whose entire 30’s were filled with intense feelings of loss and grief, but who has managed to get through it, still childless, but still smiling I put my heart out there to my barren sisters. I just want you to know that coming to terms with it is possible, and actually it was the most refreshing decision I made on this whole journey, as it was the only one I was in complete control of.
I am now 41 and I am really happy and fulfilled, even though there are no children and there will never be any grandchildren. I live each day for me, I can be selfish with my time and my energy. That doesn’t make me a bad person, just one that doesn’t have to think about parents evenings or chicken nuggets.
My life doesn’t revolve around term times and school runs but is fluid and spontaneous, and I’m sure I am far better off financially.
If you are at the stage of accepting a future with no children, may I recommend ignoring your cycle & binning all associated paraphernalia and books on the subject. Get yourself a pet, preferably one that can be snuggled and cried on and then just let time work its magic. It won’t happen over night, but I promise it will happen.
Happy non-mothers day my beautiful sisters :)
Janie x
Deon says
What a wonderful post. So moving and thought provoking. i can only imagine how difficult it must have been. xx
Jane Sarchet says
Thank you Deon, I am glad I am through it!
Janie x
Ren Behan says
Dear Jane, this is a beautifully written and touching post to read today. Thank you for sharing your journey x
Jane Sarchet says
Thank you Ren, a little off topic but it finally felt right to share :)
Janie x
Glamorous Glutton says
Dear Janie, What an amazing thing to share, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you. This post is so beautifully written and thank you for reminding us all that there is another side to today. GG xx
Jane Sarchet says
Thank you GG xx
Janie x
Karen says
Beautifully written, very poignant and as somebody who only has one previous child due to medical problems and with no chance of having any more children, I can empathise with your to a certain point. Thanks for sharing this with us and have a wonderful spring day! Karen xxxxx
Karen says
Sorry for typos Jane, was answering via my phone! Karen
Bintu @ Recipes From A Pantry says
Thanks Jane for writing this. I have a few really good friends who I think would benefit from reading this post. Big hugs from me and have a good day today.
Jane Sarchet says
You too lovely, and enjoy getting spoilt rotten by those 2 little cuties ;)
Janie x
Nayna Kanabar (@citrusspiceuk) says
Jane, I am really sorry that god has taken this decision for you but you know what you don’t have to have your own children to enjoy mothersday. Think of all those children who just need a mothers love who maybe don’t have a parent. You can be a “mum figure” to a neice, friends child or even a sponsored child. I hope you get to share some mothersday day love with these people. I am quite happy to loan you my daughters :) Love and hugs to you for being so strong.
Jane Sarchet says
Aww that’s so sweet Nayna, thank you <3 I was lucky enough to spend the day with my lovely Mum so had a lovely time!
Janie x
Vanesther says
Oh Janie, this was such a moving post to read. As a woman balancing work and family, I often look at your blog and FB posts with envy at the apparent freedom and spontaneity of your life. It’s so easy to see the surface of people’s lives and assume so much. My heart goes out to you but I am so pleased to hear that you are in a happy, fulfilled place now. You so deserve to be.
Jane Sarchet says
Thank you Vanesther. Once I came to terms with a situation that was ultimately out of my control, I made sure I took full advantage of the side benefits :)
Janie x
Fiona @ London-Unattached says
I’ve always found mother’s day hard. It’s worse now because my OWN mum is dead. I come from a family where none of us (I have two brothers) has any children – and that’s despite my youngest brother and sister in law having a similar experience to yours. In my own case I never met anyone I wanted to have children with – or when I did THEY were not interested. I do have a lovely god daughter though and I spent my thirties and forties sharing my friends’ children quite a lot.
Love to you xx
Jane Sarchet says
A doubly difficult day for you Fiona, sending you a gigantically big hug <3
Janie x
Janice says
So courageous of you to write this difficult post. Although I am a Mum and a gran, I do have some understanding as I lost my first child through an early miscarriage. That is when you find so many women come forward to support you, and learn that 1in 8 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I do not know how I would have coped had I never become a mother, but I expect everyone finds their own way. I do agree with your final advice and it’s good to know you are happy and fulfilled now. I also feel for those who no longer have their own mum with them and send everyone who feels the pain of loss today a huge hug X
Jane Sarchet says
Janice, I had no idea you are a granny – you look way too young for that! Thank you for your kind message, and having spent the day with my beautiful Mum I do feel so, so lucky.
Janie x
Janice says
Thank you Janie, you made my day. PS I keep the picture in the attic ;-)
Madeleine Morrow says
A brave, moving and important post. With increasing numbers of women choosing not to have children these days, it is important to remember that many women would love to have a child but cannot due to circumstance. Many of us are familiar with miscarriage and fertility difficulties. I count my blessings regularly and try to include into our family life those friends who have not been as fortunate as I have been. Your story should be read by all mothers who forget how blessed they are.
Jane Sarchet says
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment Madeleine
Janie x
ManjiriK says
Such a moving post Janie and very brave of you to share. I too think women who have had babies with seemingly easy pregnancies are lucky and I totally get the envy bit. I am happy for you that you have found a comfortable place and that you have made your peace with it. Happy for your mum and you that you spent the day together. Sending love to you and all the Non-mothers out there by choice or not and to those who have lost their own mums too. xx
Jane Sarchet says
:)
Rosie @Eco-Gites of Lenault says
I am so sorry you have had to write this post, Jane but I am also so pleased you have come to terms with yourself and the life you have been dealt.
Jane Sarchet says
Although it was hard for me to write it Rosie, I made myself post it for the women that haven’t yet found peace with their situation. Here’s hoping my tale can help just one person find acceptance :)
Janie x
Lizzy (Good Things) says
Darling Janie, thank you for this beautiful post xo
Jane Sarchet says
:)
Jacqueline Meldrum says
You are so brave to share this Janie and it will definitely give others hope. I really feel for you both but your attitude is a real inspiration xx
Jane Sarchet says
To be fair Jac, it has taken me years to get here. I couldn’t speak about it for several years, even with close friends and family, so it is a huge relief to have healed to this point :)
Janie x
Regula @ Miss Foodwise says
Heartbreaking beautifully written post. You are very brave to post this today, especially as most people don’t realise this day csn have so much meaning to someone who doesn’t have children or lost a child. Yesterday a lafy I know who lost her baby posted a pic of a happy mothersday card a friend had sent her. It made me think. I go about mothersday with little or no care. It’s just the day you have to visit or call your mum. But for those woman – mothers mothering sunday becomes of so much more value. I a happy to hear you found a way of living with this. Although I’m sure it is still hard. X
Jane Sarchet says
Thanks Regula for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment :)
Janie x
Arlen Gould says
I typed non mothers day into the search engine and yours is the only post that came up. I’m in the US and mothers day is on May 11th. I’m getting email about mother’s day gifts, etc… I don’t have any children and my own mother died in 2008. So… my mother and I never really celebrated mothers day. For us every day was mother’s day. I would get her a gift on any day if it was something I thought she’d like. And she liked small things. A nice pen. A pretty notebook. A t-shirt. She was a friend who I still miss at times, because it was the talks and sharing of music that really connected us. Due to circumstances, my childhood was not that wonderful, due to this same mother so that things are mixed. I’ve been doing some inner work and have discovered a part of myself that some call the “inner child” and I am having to reparent this part of myself. In psychological circles I have PTSD or generalized anxiety. So I am having the experience of being the mother to this child. And as my therapist said this is a special needs child due to the trauma. It’s funny how life provides us with opportunities.
Thanks for your post.
AZMuffy says
Here I am, a champion procrastinator, posting very late. Truthfully, I came on to read up on Muscovy duck, and wandered over to this post.
I, too, am childfree. I cannot even imagine the physical and psycological pains you must have felt. My husand and I went through three tyears of infertility treatment and it never worked. That was difficult enough, waiting each month and getting let down by biology once again. But I am exceedingly thankful I never lost a child. I’d probably have been committed!
The hardest part was many of my friends and coworkers having children so seemingly easily. And the helpful (?) hints: “Relax, you’ll get pregnant when you stop trying!” or “Have you thought of adoption? My sister/cousin/neighbor adopted a baby and was pregnant within 3 month!” and this little gem, “Have you looked into fertility treatments? They are SO successful.” Hard fact-only 1 in 10 women will respond to infertility treatment… the media jumps all over the success, making it seem that it works for everyone.
Sorry to vent all that, but I am still a bit miffed about the money it all cost. It would be nice to have that back, to lavish on my hub, my cats, and “my” transient ducks, who like to live in my yard from April to December (more or less).
Jane Sarchet says
Hi AZ, I am sending you the BIGGEST hug right now <3
Painful quips, and sad memories aside, I hear and feel your pain.
Whilst I am now much older, a little wiser and the pain is a little less harsh, I don't suppose either of us will ever truly heal from wanting to become parents and not being able.
Sending you big hugs sister <3
Janie x